My love will never fade
by Belikovlover564
Summary: Rose ran away.  after "Love fades, mine has"  From all the pain and sorrow but it followed her to win her back. she loves him but doesnt know if she should give in. The trust was broken along with her heart. Is true love worth the price of the pain?
1. Chapter 1: Losing Rose

******This is a songfic of the song Already Gone by Kelly Clarckson so all rights of the song go to her. This is set after when Dimitri says those four words "love fades... mine has" and Rose ran out of the Chapel. This is my first fanfic ever so please tell me what you think. I also am thinking about continuing it but i wont if you guys hate it so let me know if you think i should. I might not though with school and all but ill think about it. So please tell me!**

**Disclaimer: sadly very sadly all right to the characters go to Richelle Mead even the rights to Dimitri. I really wish i owned him. =( **

**RPOV**

I run to my room and grab the video. I walk to _his_ door and slide it under it. Then I walk to my plane with tears running down my face but I know that I can't look back because if I do I will never leave and I need to… for me.

**DPOV**

I walk back to my room I think of Rose face when I told her four words that broke her heart and mine. I love her but I know she can't really love me, not after what I did to her in Russia. I open my door and find a disk lying on the floor scribbled across the top says TO: COMRADE. I instantly know it's from Rose. I pick up the disk and put it into the computer. The first thing I see is Rose she crying or she was you can tell her face is covered in tears. "Comrade this may explain some things First I'm leaving court I just can't take it anymore its killing me inside just being here. Secondly I need you to tell Lissa I just can't do it that's something I ask of you and lastly I have a song I would like to sing to you and only you." I start to hear the music play, I never knew Rose could sing.

_Remember all the things we wanted__  
><em>_Now all our memories, they're haunted__  
><em>_We were always meant to say goodbye_

_Even with our fists held high__  
><em>_It never would have worked out right, yeah__  
><em>_We were never meant for do or die…_

_I didn't want us to burn out__  
><em>_I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop…_

I can't believe this I broke her I can just tell she's crying while she's singing her voice is full of so many emotions one is love but it's mostly full of hurt.

_I want you to know__  
><em>_It doesn't matter where we take this road__  
><em>_Someone's gotta go__  
><em>_And I want you to know__  
><em>_You couldn't have loved me better__  
><em>_But I want you to move on__  
><em>_So I'm already gone_

She left because she loves me and I can't believe she wants me to move on I could never do that she holds my heart whether she wants it or not.

_Looking at you makes it harder__  
><em>_But I know that you'll find another__  
><em>_That doesn't always make you wanna cry__  
><em>_It started with the perfect kiss then__  
><em>_We could feel the poison set in__  
><em>_"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive__  
><em>_You know that I love you so__  
><em>_I love you enough to let you go_

I feel tears start to build up as she sings this song just breaks my heart. Her words hold feelings I did not want to give her. She loves me enough to let me go I wonder if she loves me too much.

_I want you to know__  
><em>_It doesn't matter where we take this road__  
><em>_Someone's gotta go__  
><em>_And I want you to know__  
><em>_You couldn't have loved me better__  
><em>_But I want you to move on__  
><em>_So I'm already gone_

_I'm already gone, already gone__  
><em>_You can't make it feel right__  
><em>_When you know that it's wrong__  
><em>_I'm already gone, already gone__  
><em>_There's no moving on__  
><em>_So I'm already gone_

I feel the first tear of many slides down my cheek. I regret telling her those four evil words if I could take them back I would but I need to stick true to my decision.

_Ah already gone, already gone, already gone__  
><em>_Ah already gone, already gone, already gone_

_Remember all the things we wanted__  
><em>_Now all our memories, they're haunted__  
><em>_We were always meant to say goodbye…_

I wish we were never meant to say goodbye I didn't use to think we were I might have been wrong.

_I want you to know__  
><em>_It doesn't matter where we take this road__  
><em>_Someone's gotta go__  
><em>_And I want you to know__  
><em>_You couldn't have loved me better__  
><em>_But I want you to move on__  
><em>_So I'm already gone_

_I'm already gone, already gone__  
><em>_You can't make it feel right__  
><em>_When you know that it's wrong__  
><em>_I'm already gone, already gone__  
><em>_There's no moving on,__  
><em>_So I'm already gone_

The song ends and the music fade more silent tears are running down my face. After hearing that I know she has truly forgiven me and loves me but I was too stupid to see it. Just before I close the window she says something "Comrade I sang that song because I love you and even though your love has faded" that made me wince I can hear the pain clear in her voice "I still love you I always will, but I didn't want to bother you and I need time to be on my own I left court everything. Lissa will need a guardian and I hope she gets a good one but please look over her for me" She left, she truly left. I wish I could tell her I love her. She doesn't say anything for a few seconds then she says more heat breaking words, "Dimitri I want you to know you hold my heart, I just hope you find someone to hold yours" Many tears run down my face she doesn't know that she holds my heart and she always will. Just before the screen goes black I hear her softly say "my love will never fade" that has me break down in to full sobs it was worse hearing her say those things then any nightmare I have ever had. I walk away from the screen I hear the noise of a plane engine flying in the distance I break down crying once more because I know that the love of my life is on one of those planes.


	2. Chapter 2 I left because

**Ok so i have decided i will do a few chapters to see if you guys like it! :) But if you dont even like the story tell me and ill stop writing it cause it would be pointless. Now sorry it did not get updated as soon i would have liked to but with my family it can be hard to get to the computer. But i will try my hardest to get here, so the next update will either be later this week or sometime next week i have already started writing it but its the matter of typing it making changes and blah blah. :) Anyhow i dont own vampire academy no matter how much i want to but the lovely Richelle Mead owns it along with Dimitri :( So now enjoy!**

DPOV

I wake up the next morning still haunted by the fact that the love of my life is gone, and I don't know where she is. The first thing I had to do is tell Lissa she has run away. But that challenge may be harder then I think. I head straight to her room and knock on her door; I hear voices behind the door. Lissa opens the door "Dimitri how can I help you?" she seems worried I normally don't come to her so she must think something is up. "Can I speak with you?" she lets me inside and we take a seat on her couch.

Thoughts are swirling through my mind how can I tell her? Should I tell her? Can I tell her? The truth is I have no clue so I said as little as possible "she's gone". I hear her gasp she know who I'm talking about. "How, how do you know?" I take a deep breath "she left me a video telling me to tell you" I decided against telling her about the rest of the video it's not really important to her that and if I say to much all the emotions I'm feeling will show throughout my voice and I can't risk it.

I hear a movement I look up to find Christian looking at me intently and then he asks the question I was dreading for them to ask "why?" I look between him and Lissa knowing they may possibly kill me, so I take a deep breath and "she left because…

RPOV

I sit in my plane seat starring out the window looking at the ocean. I'm heading to Russia; I'm going to hunt stigori hoping it will ease the pain _he _inflicted on to my heart, the pain that's eating me from the inside out. The words haunt my mind they never leave they are always lingering in the background. Smothering me in my dreams sometimes suffocating my so I can't breathe.

Maybe killing the evil creatures will ease the pain. I can't believe my life got so out of control so crazy. It's partially the darkness but mostly its crazy thoughts that never leave. I only turned 18 a few months ago and yet I feel as if I have lived many lives. It's another reason why I left to be a new person; maybe just maybe I can pretend that everything is ok. But it's not all because of _him_, Dimitri just thinking his name is like cutting a scar into my soul and heart. It hurts so much but sometimes I need to feel that pain to know I can feel to know that I'm alive because most of the time now I feel numb I feel nothing. I was so caught up in my swirling thoughts I didn't realize we had landed. I get up to grab my luggage and leave before the flight attendants kick me off. I head to the closest hotel and stay there your probably wondering how can I afford a hotel well that is simple when I was leaving I accidentally ran into Abe or my father as he is. He saw me with my bag and gave me a card telling me to use it and he will only check it to make sure I'm still ok and not missing or anything. He didn't seem happy I was leaving but after telling him what happened he looked ready to kill _him_. He also promised not to tell anyone where I am.

Once I get to my room I head straight for the shower in hopes the hot water and steam will help clear my mind and sort out my emotions. Even after taking a two hour shower and I still couldn't think straight. My mind was so worn out I feel asleep instantly as my head hit the pillow. But I wouldn't have even laid down if I knew I would be dragged into a spirit dream.

I find myself on a white beach overlooking a beautiful ocean in a breath taking white sun dress blowing from the ocean breeze. "Little damphire" I hear Adrian call me but I do nothing to notice him, I don't even turn around. I stare out at the ocean looking at its beauty smelling the sea salts and wind that makes my hair whip around my head. I felt a hand touch my shoulder I look over my shoulder to see Adrian standing there "you aura it is... it's crazy" I respond in no way.

He continues to talk "why, why did you leave?" I see a tear run down his cheek I stare at him "how did you know?" he looks at me a little sheepish " I went to your room this morning and you didn't answer so I broke down the door and saw your room was completely empty" I nodded so he asked his question again. "So why, Rose, why did you leave?" that is a great question if I only knew the answers why did I leave? Because of Dimitri? Because I was tired of Lissa ignoring me and only protecting him not knowing I was heartbroken that he didn't want me around? Or was it because I knew deep down that it all was too much happening to fast? Maybe I was scared that people would think I was weak after being so strong for so long?

I think it was all of them Dimitri Lissa it all happening to fast and the feelings it gave me. I guess I needed to get away. I guess I needed to be alone to figure out everything I was feeling but possibly because I left is why I feel so alone. I have no clue why I left anymore no clue what is real and what's fake. I'm so confused. I put my head in my hands waiting for tears that don't come. "I left because…."

**Ok one other thing sorry! i want to know if you like it so Review please and if thats not your thing then alright! i will live so if you want to tell me what you think! Lastly i want to say i know its short but they will be longer i promise! This chapter i just had end this way cause well i wanted it to! Thanks! **


	3. Chapter 3: I just don't love you enough

**Sorry about the late update. School is really keeping me busy with this terrible thing called homework. :p But it really did keep me busy and i have no clue when the next chapeter is going up and im trying as hard as i can to update and write the rest but im currently having writers block and just need to get past the part im on and it will be smooth sailing! like a boat! Disclamer! (hehe i cant spell) i dont own anything it is all owned by the lovely Richelle Mead! and on with the story!**

DPOV

"She left because…of me" I whispered the last word but their super moroi hearing had heard it. "What do you mean because of you?" I could tell the princess was trying to stay calm but I heard the anger seeping through her voice as it rose in volume. "She left because I said something to her" they both look at me to continue, but I truly didn't want to "I told her…. _Love fades, mine has"_ I barely even heard the last part but from her intake of breath and expression told me she had. I saw the flame of anger take over her eyes even Christian looked angry at me. "YOU SAID WHAT TO HER!" Lissa screamed at me I think everyone in the entire court could hear her. "_Love fades mine has" _Lissa walked right up to me and raised her hand and slapped me and it hurt even for a moroi. "YOU IDIOT! DIDN'T YOU KNOW SHE LOVES YOU! DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE WHAT SHE DID FOR YOU!" I looked to Christian for help but he looked just about as angry as his girlfriend the truth is I'm alone.

"Look Dimitri I know you hurting but shouldn't have pushed away someone who would do anything to help you especially when Rose was the one who truly saved you" her name was like another scar on my heart only this time the cut was deeper only because each word every single one was true. "Did you even love her?" I look at her how could anyone question my love for Rose. "Of course I loved her I still do!" I sat down on their couch and put my head in my hands. "Then why push her away?" they stared at me I don't think Rose ever told them what I did to her in Russia.

"Because I was a monster, did she ever tell you what happened in Russia?" they both shook their heads to say no. "The things I did to her were terrible disgraceful and should never be forgiven" I shook my head to get rid of the evil memories that haunt my dreams every night. "Dimitri I'm sorry we didn't know, Sorry I slapped you even though you deserved it" she was right I deserved that and much, much more but it never came not matter how much it should my punishment is to live life with my guilt I guess.

No one said anything for a few minutes until Christian spoke up "I think we should find her" Lissa and I looked at him funny "What! I think we should find her is that wrong?" Even though I want her back so bad I know it's best for her to be away I would just hurt her over and over even though I promised her I would never let anything hurt her and now I'm breaking my own promise. "Christians right I want my best friend back no matter what." I don't even have the right to argue "how will we find her?" If they were going to searching for her I am helping no matter what. "First let me make some calls and get people to come over" She walked in to the kitchen to get the phone. "Who is she going to call?" He looked at me he still seemed angry but he gave me an answer anyway, "probably Eddie, Mia, Adrian and Abe" he shrugged his shoulder at the mention of Adrian's name I scowled Christian noticed this and smirked at me "What are you smirking about?" I sounded just as I felt angry his face falters a little. "You do know that Adrian could find Rose right" I gave him a curious look I didn't know he could how could he? "He could dream walk her and find out where she is, that is of course if he hasn't already" this made me even madder I wanted to find her not someone else. Even though she probably hates me by now especially after what I did and what I said to her.

The door bell rang and behind the door we found Eddie, Mia, Abe and sadly Adrian was standing there with a clove in his hand. They came in and sat down "ok so all you know is that we need to find Rose because I want my best friend back. Now does anyone have an idea where she might be at?"I can only think of a few places Rose has ever been the academy, court, and Russia and she's not at court and she hates the academy and Russia is the only place left so far no one has said anything so I figure I will be the first "I think I might know where she would be" everyone looked at me for an answer "I think she might have gone to Russia" Adrian shakes his head at me "No she wouldn't leave the states." Then Lissa being who she is put it to a vote of where to start looking "ok who votes that we should start in America?" Eddie, Mia and Christian raised their hands plus Adrian because it was his starting point "now who votes we start in Russia?" only Lissa Abe and me raise our hands "then it's settled we are starting in the states" Adrian looked happy to know he won in a way. But I know they won't find her here in the States because I know in my heart gut and soul that she is in Russia I just don't know what part. Abe excused himself to make some phone calls. And everyone went into the corner and started talking in hushed voices but every now and then I see them look at me. I knew they were talking about what I said to Rose. When Abe came back everyone thought of places Rose might go but I didn't join the conversation. Because I knew she won't be in any of the places they look. But thinking of places she would be and knowing she's in Russia made me think of home. I miss them all so much Mama, Yeva, all three of my sisters. I wish they knew I was back I wish I could visit them. Maybe I should maybe I could tell them myself. I decide to excuse myself from the room seeing as I dont really need to be here. I went back to my room and layed down. Tomorrow I'm going to go see my family let them know I'm back tomorrow.

RPOV

"I left because I couldn't take it anymore" I fell to the sand and sat there. But he didn't say anything so I kept talking "My heart broke , Lissa wasn't anywhere to be found and I had to leave, I, I just had to" his jaw was tight I knew the part about my heart breaking had hurt him but I couldn't lie anymore I just can't. I love Adrian but I could never love anyone more than Dimitri I can't pretend that I do. "Rose I'm you boyfriend you could have come to me" The fact he called me Rose I knew I had hurt him. "No Adrian I couldn't" he sat down in the sand next to me "Why?" his voice was strained I thought about what to say I love him just not enough like he needs "Adrian, I love you I do but I will never love you enough and I needed to get away from everything it was all too much for me" He stared at me before he spoke. "Its over isn't it" I felt a tear run down my cheek as I nodded "its okay I understand" he took me into his arms "you do?" I could barley understand myself. "yes I do" I put my head in his chest I felt a tear hit my head but we never said anything else he just sent me back at some point but I don't know when but I do clearly remember waking up with the world's worst head ache. But I finally pulled myself out of bed. I had less emotions hanging over me from talking with Adrian but I still have many swirling emotions. I made it to my bathroom and looked in the mirror instantly regretting it. My eyes were red and puffy my face was tear streaked. I walk back to my room to find my phone bleeping with messages 37 from Lissa 2 from Abe 16 from Adrian 3 from Dimitri. And millions of texts and voicemails. My stomach grumbled so I decide to clean up and head out to get something to eat. I head to the nearest café and sit as far away from everyone as possible. I get a burger and a coke I didn't really eat much though I had too much going on even though I was starving. I wasn't paying attention to who was coming in and out of the café I should have though. If I had been I would have noticed Viktoria before she screamed my name and ran over to me and hugged me "oh Roz aim so sorry for what I said to you I didn't mean it please forgive me! What you and my brother had was true love" I forgave her a while ago but what struck me was her use of the word "had" it was true the love was gone and no longer there. But I wasn't about to start crying here. "It's ok you thought you loved him I understand" she hugged me again "oh thank goodness! Now what are you doing in Russia?" I knew she would ask at one point or another I just hoped it would be later when she asked. "It's kinda a long story" she sat down at my booth and took some of my fries. "Its cool I got time".

I sat down with her and told her my story about Dimitri being restored, what he said and running away from Court. By the time I finished her face had so many emotions love, anger, and disbelief. "So what you're saying is my brother is alive?" Her eyes were bigger then owls. "Yes your brother is dhampir again" I couldn't stand to say his name "And he said that to you?" I nodded my eyes welling up with tears "Lets finish this at your hotel you said it was close by?" I nodded again not trusting my own voice. I placed some money on the table before she helped lead me back to my hotel. We sat on the bed, "I just don't believe he would say that" I knew it would be hard for her to find out that all this had happened but it was true "I didn't either until the day he said it" I look out the window remembering the pain and remembering the scars. I looked at Viktroria and I knew she knew I was telling the truth. Like any other friend she hugged me and let me cry. At some point I feel asleep and dreamt of those four little words running through my head "_love fades, mine has"_

**Because i forgot to do this eairlier i would like to thank all of those who have left Reviews and favorited this story. It makes me feel so great when i hear you guys did that! i love you all! soooo much! thank you! I will do my hardest to update as soon as i can!**


	4. Heading home

**Hey guys it has been a long time since i last UD this story but i am now i spent literly all day typing this up for you so i hope you like it! But now my neck hurts! I encourage you guys to not give up on my story i will try and update every week but sometimes it gets kinda challageing but im trying really hard this chapter is my longest one yet! with just like 100 words under 3000 i know not the longest but for me its really long. I want you guys to know that i write my storys out on paper before i type them up becuase this way i can always write it. i like just started chapter 5 so hopefully i will get it finished by this up coming Friday! i would like to wish you all happy Valentines days! and thank everyone for thier reviews you dont know how happy it makes me when i get thoses emails! Disclamer; I Do NOT OWN VAMPIRE ACADEMY RICHELLE MEAD does and everything that goes with it i only own the plot to this story! SO NOW ENJOY!**

**DPOV**

The next morning I found myself on a plane to visit my family and to search for the love of my life Rose. It had been a strange morning, I said goodbye to Lissa she wasn't happy but understood that I had to go. But then I saw Abe the first thing he did was punch my jaw and broke it so after a trip to visit Lissa again he said " Find my baby girl and bring her back" then patted me on the back and walked away. He left me standing there confused and with questions running through my mind. I thought he looked suspicious yesterday did he know where to find her? Does he think I can find her? With all the things going through my head I almost miss my flight. On the flight to Russia I try to sleep though it continues to find ways to evade me I was hoping maybe I could sleep without nightmares in my every dream all I need is a nice long dreamless sleep. But it never comes I wake up every day feeling more tired than before you could just look at me and know I need sleep.

The worst thing about the dreams is when I open my eyes in hopes that all the faces will leave but in the truth they never do they are always there just hiding in the back of my mind waiting to come out again. Because there is nothing else to do I grab my book a western, it reminds me of how Rose use to tease me it seems almost everything I do reminds me of her and makes me miss her even more if that's possible. In the middle of my thoughts I feel asleep. I don't think it was much because I didn't dream really and I still didn't feel any better than when I woke up. We were just about to land in St. Petersburg and then all that's left is a train ride and a car ride to Baia. I wonder how my family will react to seeing me again. Will they be mad? Happy? I wonder if they know what happened with Rose? It seemed she became close with my family. Even if they don't know I bet Babushka does she always does. I walk into the air port and see the familiar language hanging on the signs and it smells just like home. It was beautiful here and I never realized how much I missed it.

I leave the airport and start to look for a hotel close by for the night. I find a fairly decent place. They have free breakfast I guess that's an upside. The room was nice but the bed was a little uncomfortable but I'll do for the night. I head to the bathroom for a hot shower to help relax my tense muscles. The room was filled with steam but in the mirror I could still see the bags under my eye. It showed the sleep I much needed. But sleep is still not very welcoming to me. It leaves me with only one thing to do which is think something I'm not very fond of at the moment. Because all I can think about is the past year so much happened. I found the missing Dragomir, fell in love with my student, Turned it to the thing I most dreaded, Killed many innocents and now I'm Dhampir again and left to deal with my guilt. What makes it worse is I didn't care then but I care now and know I don't deserve love I don't deserve anything. This was one of my last thoughts before I fell into a nightmare.

_I stood there as a stigori, looking down at two little girls with eyes full of fear. The room smelled of blood I could see the body's of what seemed to be their parents sitting on the floor drained of blood I leaned down and bit into one of the little girls necks I felt the blood rush in to my mouth as I heard their screams then the scene changed. I saw Rose she was tied to a chair with her hand behind her back. The room is dark with little light her face showed fear. "Dimitri don't do this" she said with a shaky voice she was terrified, terrified of me. "But Roza don't you see I have to" my voice was cold and dark just the sound of it scared me even. I took a few steps closer to her I could see her perfectly every feature every piece of hair that fell out of place the specks of light in her eyes it made her who she was but she was still filled with fear. "Why?" she asked. She looked like she wanted to cry but I didn't care a bead of sweat ran down her face as I looked at her. I step closer and run my cold hands down her side she struggles to get away from me "Because Roza I want you, don't you want me? We could be together forever" she was terrified she had a tear run down her face "I don't want you" I could tell she was lying. "You're lying you want me as much as I want you" I watched her have a mental battle in her head "not anymore" If I didn't know her so well I could have believed her but I know the truth. "You will thank me for this Roza" I brush the hair off her neck and slowly lean down to her neck and bite down on the skin. _

I wake up at that point panting and sweating. Every night every single night I wake up to the dream of killing a family or someone but it always ends with Rose and me wanting to change her but the dream never changes always the same. I turn to my clock its only 3:08. It's still dark so I hopefully will get some more sleep. I fell into a half awake half asleep state but it didn't make me feel any better. I woke up around 6 and was on a train by 7 that morning. By the time the train takes and the car ride I should make it in time for either dinner in 2 days. The train is pretty nice the room has a bed TV and other things that aren't really important to me. I just read my book and when I get bored of that I just stare out the window and watch the world pass by me. I didn't leave the room much only once or twice to get food but nothing else I think I fell asleep at one point but I'm not too sure if I did or not because it didn't feel like I did I actually felt worse than I had in days. The train ride was really long. But the next morning I noticed the sun shining through the windows and found it to be a nice sight. When the train got to the stop I left just like all the other people and headed to the car rental. While leaving the train station I notice how beautiful it truly is and I found myself smiling a little, it has been a long time since I smiled, even just a little.

When I get to the place they give a blue car I don't know what type but I don't really care either as long as it works. I tried to listen to music but all it did was make me think of Rose so I quickly turned it off. I don't know why I didn't look for her while I was in st. Petersburg I most likely missed her completely. But I also never put too much thought into which part of Russia she would be in just that he would be in Russia. The drive was long and boring nothing happened the driving kept me occupied but it was just after sundown when I was passing by a park and heard some screaming so I pulled over to it, grabbed my stake and ran to the sound. I found some deathly pale person with a red ring around their eyes, stigori. He was standing over a girl who couldn't be over 22 years old she was dressed like she was going to a party. I realized I had hesitated just about as he was to sink his fangs into her neck I ran and pushed him to the ground with as much force as possible he tried to push me off him but I over powered him and just as I'm about to shove the stake through his heart, he shoves me to the ground I jump up quickly as soon as I was steady I sent a kick to his stomach. He grunted and stepped back but came back with a punch to my jaw. It knock me back a step. I get a good grip on my stake and come at him with all my force and shove it through his heart. I do it over and over when I finally get a good grip on myself I stop and stand up to see the girl has backed up onto the playground. "Thank you" she stuttered out I noticed she was morori.

"You're welcome but don't you have a guardian?" she looked away from me. "He was killed just before you got here another Stigori took him away, He was already dead when they took him." I heard the sadness in her voice. "I'm sorry I wish I had gotten here sooner" She stepped of the playground and walked to me "I'm Alexandria but everyone calls me Alexis" she held out her hand it was small and delicate. "Dimitri" I shook her hand and gave a nod he jerked her hand back "As in Dimitri Belikov?" oh yes I forgot no one knew I had changed back "Yes I'm Dhampir again" she took a close inspection of me and knew I wasn't stigori anymore "I can tell Have you told you family they have been very sad since you were stigori" she took it very calmly that I was Dhampir again "I was on my way to see them just now would you like a ride home?" she nodded and I lead the way to the car "Where do you live?" she gave me directions to her house on the way I noticed she had short blond hair and blue eyes she was very pretty but i noticed she wasn't royal either but she was nice to talk to. "Thank you for the ride, I hope to see you around sometime" I waved as she walked into her house. She didn't live very far from my house. There was about a two minute drive to my house from here. I was very nervous to see my family again I have no clue how they would react to it. But I can't go back now I'm in front of my house. I take a deep breath and step out of the car to my front door and raise my hand to knock when it opens right in front of me.

**RPOV**

When I woke up the next morning I found Viktoria sleeping on a chair near the window. I rose from the bed and walked over to her so I could wake her up or move her to the bed. "Viktoria wake up'' I shook her shoulder. Nothing. So after many failed attempts I finally got her to the bed. Then I went to take a shower. I left my hair to air dry and put on a tank top and some jeans. I found Viktoria sitting on the bed watching the TV she looked back at me "hey Roza are you ok?"I look at her and think no I'm not my life fell apart so from the look I gave her she rephrased her question "Are you any better?" I think I am. "I think so it felt good to tell someone all that happened who wouldn't judge me but I'm not even close to being ok" she gave me a sad smile. I took a closer inspection of her crumpled clothes and messy hair "Hey Vika you want to take a shower you kinda stink" I crinkled my nose. She laughed "at least you still have your sense of humor. Can I barrow some clothes too mine are kinda well gross?" I nodded and sent her to the shower to get cleaned up. I sat on the bed and flipped through the channels until I saw my picture come up. Viktoria was just getting out of the shower "Whatcha watching'" she turned her head to the TV "hey what are they saying" I has her translate the channels apparently my friends sent out a search party for me and got a place of TV what a great way for me to go unnoticed. "Hey Roza do you think maybe you could come back home with me?" she asked me. I kinda was hoping she would I miss the Belikovs they are so nice and make great food "I would love to" I smiled at her we packed up my things and went to check out. Soon enough we were on a train. Vika bought the tickets considering I don't speak one word of Russian. She seemed really excited about seeing her family again. "Hey Viktoria since you live so far away why were you in the café that day?" I don't know what brought the thought on its just I never found out. "Well babushka said that there was a prize their and sent me there with no excuses. So when I got there I saw you" she shrugged of course Yeva sent her she a crazy old bat! We didn't say much more just random talk but she could tell I wanted to be left alone. So she went to go and get some food while I stayed here and took a nap. While taking my nap I had a spirit dream "Little Dhampir" I heard Adrian say from behind me "What do you want?" I wasn't in the mood to be bothered I just wanted to be left alone "Always the charmer little Dhampir" I rolled my eyes at him I was facing him now he wore a smirk on his face. "Look if you're here to get me to come back you can forget it" I crossed my arms. "I'm not here for that although it would be nice I wanted to tell you that you should go into Lissa head soon, it's very important" I haven't gone in to her head in a while "You're waking up I will see you someday again little Dhampir" he waved and the dream faded.

I sat up and looked at the clock we still had a few hours on the train so I concentrated on getting in her head it wasn't as easy as before because I haven't check in, in awhile. I finally get in and see she and Christian are on a date eating a fancy dinner under the stars but you can see the sun start to rise in the distance. They had just finished and Christian grabbed her hand and they started to dance with no music "Christian this is perfect" she sighed and laid her head on his chest. He took a step back and looked into my, Her eyes "Lissa I love you more than anything but I don't want to be your boyfriend" I could feel his words sink in and feel the sadness grow inside of her laying under it was anger that has yet to be discovered "What do you mean" her voice was soft but I could hear her cries in it. He got down on one knee and pulled out a black velvet box that inside and a beautiful ring "Lissa I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore because I want to be your husband." She held her breath "Lissa Dagomir will you marry me?" I felt happiness and love fill her body it's all she felt. "Yes of course!" he picked her up and kissed her and started to carry her back to their room.

I don't want to be in her head when they celebrate the engagement. Just thinking it makes me sad because I should be there with her to help her plan pick out a wedding dress and watch her live the life he deserves but that's not the case anymore. So I begin to cry I cry for everything I cry for Adrian he loves me but I can't return it I cry for Lissa and how I can't help or protect her, But mostly I cry for Dimitri and the four little words that broke my heart into a million little pieces and all the pain I have gone through. I am or was a guardian I was built for physical pain not emotional pain. So what I do next shocks me I walk to the bathroom no longer in control of myself I grab the razor blade and place it on my wrist and with a swipe I made the first cut the first of many.

**Ooo do you guys like it? I wonder if Alexis will come up later in the stroy hmmm? Poor Rose so many conflicting emotions she cut herself! Tell me what you think! And once again i thank all of those who review my story it makes me really happy! And encourages me to write! but like i said before if reviewing ain't your thing the i will live! and continue to write anyway! ALSO Rose pov is behind a little bit so just so yalll know she will end up at the Belikovs before Dimitri Dont get confused!**


	5. I dont know Vika, I dont know

**this chapter is mainly Rose and a little Dimitri jut so there at the same point in time for the story!I know i havent updated in a longgg time but i relly am trying its just hard sometimes. I would appriciate it if you did reveiw! it makes me feel good! and thank you all of those who did reveiw it was very kind of you to take the time and do that! ****i DO NOT OWN anything from vampire academy it all belongs to Richelle mead. (Sorry if the "I"s are lower case i tried to change most of them but i think i may have skipped some :P) And on with the story!**

**RPOV**

As I sat and watched the blood flow from the cut I felt some of the emotional pain go away it started to disappear all I felt was the sting of the cut when I swiped it across my wrist and watched the blood drip in to the porcelain sink. So I made more cuts in hope of making all the pain leave by the time I finished I felt lightheaded so I rinsed the cuts off and placed band-aids on the and went to go to sleep in the train room type thing. I had to wear a long sleeved shirt to cover the band-aids so Viktoria won't ask questions. I fell into a deep sleep where nothing happened just sweet blackness I had no worries everything was perfect but then, I had to be woken up.

"Roza I will attack you! If you do not get up this instance!" I felt a pillow hit my side I groaned and rolled over "Roza I will be getting off this train in 20 minutes so unless you want to stay here then I suggest you get up!" that woke me up I looked at the clock and frowned "we have an hour until we need to leave" I pointed out she smiled. "I know but you wouldn't get up so now go get cleaned up I don't need you stinking out my family" she walked to the other side of the room and sat down "Hurry!" I shook my head at her and went into the bathroom. I took off my shirt and looked at my wrists then removed the band-aid covering the scabs that grew over the cuts I rinsed them under the cool water from the sink it felt great. I then placed new band-aids on them and put on a new long sleeved shirt. I looked in the mirror noticing how my hair was a mess and my eyes were still a little puffy they also had a look of tiredness to I could tell I was sleep deprived. I ran a brush through my hair then washed my face it made me look at least a little more alive. I walk back out into the room and find that Viktoria has gotten my suitcases together and ready to go now all we need to do is wait for the next stop.

By the time we get there not much happened. But when we exit the train I was hit by a strong blast of air-conditioning it made my hair fly back. We walk to the car dealership and buy the cheapest one they got it was a really ugly red car and let me tell you I hated it. But then we got on the road and as soon as we did Viktoria immediately took us to a burger joint. I tried to stop her but she won't listen to me so she forces me to eat half a burger. Normally I could eat three but lately I haven't been really hungry so she has force feed me. On the ride to her house only one important topic came up "Should we tell them what happened" I asked her I was kinda nervous because I could barley tell the story to Viktoria not her entire family. She held a serious look for several minute. "I think we should only tell them if the ask why you there" it was very likely they would ask but I also don't to randomly start crying and have no excuse what so ever. So we both agreed on that.

We had gotten to her house just before sun down that was lucky so we had not been attacked by any stigori. I have my stake but I just don't have the energy to fight at the moment. I take a deep breath before stepping out of the car. Viktoria grabs my hand "You can do this" I give her a weak smile before looking at the house standing before me it is beautiful. We walk up the sidewalk we stop at the door for a second before Viktoria raises her hand to knock I hold my breath and wait for someone to answer. When the door opens I see Olena standing there looking back at her family yelling something in Russian. She turned to see us and she gasped and grabbed her daughter into a hug. They spoke rapidly in Russian when I hear my name Olena looks over at me and hugs me too. "Roza you left so abruptly last time is everything alright?" She was so kind and motherly it felt nice to have her care. "Everything is ok" rethinking my words "Well ok as ill be" She gave me a sad smile and had us come inside "Dinners just about ready why you don't wait in the living room with Karolina and Paul." She walked away to the kitchen. We walk in and their heads turn to see who came from the door and when they saw us their mouths formed huge smiles. I don't care if they only smiled because of Viktoria but it felt nice to have people be happy to see you and welcome you back. Yet in all the good feelings there was some lingering sadness that ached in my chest paining my heart. "Roza Viktoria!" Karolina came and pulled us into one huge hug. Then Paul came and joined the group hug it was sweet this was a family. The family I had always dreamed about and thought was perfect and sometimes it seemed like their family was perfect. After a few seconds we start to pull away. And then Karolina got a serious look on her face "Where have you been Viktoria!" She demanded "I went to go get Roza" she pointed to me as though it wasn't obvious. "I can see that but why did you leave without telling anyone?" she looked a little happy about this "Babushka told me to go and not to tell anyone! This way it was a surprise! Are you not happy?" Viktoria smiled and soon Karolina did to and Paul just didn't care about the facts at all just that we were here. It made me smile and soon it changed into a frown when he asked the question I most dreaded "So Roza why are you in Russia I thought you went back to the states?" I looked at Viktoria for help but it seems as though I didn't need it because right the Olena came in and told us it was time for dinner. It was luck but at some point I knew I would need to tell them but it was deep in my heart and didn't want to listen to it. I walk into the kitchen and I see Sonya sitting there holding Zoya. Sonya looks up and smiles at us "I would hug you but I don't want to wake her" I nodded and smiled at her "It's nice to see you again." We all sit down at the table I'm across from Sonya next to Viktoria and Olena and Paul and Yeva are on the sides on Sonya and Karolina is at the head of the table. We all sit down to enjoy some of the food she created. I didn't eat much even though it was delicious I just wasn't very hungry."Roza eat your looking thin" Olena kept saying and each time I would eat another bite until I felt like if I ate anymore I would explode. All through the meal Yeva kept giving me a knowing look all through dinner. Of course she knew what had happened and why I was here.

We all went into the front room and just chatted until the question came. "Roza you never got the chance to answer earlier what are you doing in Russia?" Karolina asked again. Viktoria and I shared a look; no one seemed to notice though. "Yeah Roza I was wondering that?" Sonya added. Yeva gave me a look as if to say I should have known I couldn't escape this. I looked at all of their faces they for the most part showed curiosity only Viktoria looked sympathetic and Yeva looked amused. I couldn't say anything any words I could say were stuck in my throat along with the cry that would come with them. Viktoria came and sat next to me "Do you want me to tell them?" she whispered I nodded I want capable of words. So she told them my story she did it in Russian so I didn't need to hear it but it made no different words echoed through my head I once again saw things I want to forget and felt the emotions all over again I started to cry and they comforted me but it didn't help at all I still felt very bad. When they heard Dimitri was Dhampir again I could hear the cries of happiness. Their emotions continued to change anger sympathy, sorrow and joy it was crazy and all I did was cry at the end we sat for a few minute saying nothing. Then Yeva just stood up and walked out of the room. My face was streaked with tears and red. It was terrible. Then we heard the door open but no one knocked and I heard the most heavenly voice fly through the air straight to my heart. Millions of thing ran through my head at the moment, everything stood still my blood ran cold my emotions went away I felt nothing in that moment or maybe I felt too many things at once that I went numb all I know is that when he came in the room my mind went black. I sat there looking it to an endless space of black. Nothing happened it was black that's it space nothing there no colors just black. I was there for a while until it felt like I was asleep and hours later I woke up. I was in a room I didn't know until everything from last night came back to my memory. Telling them, Dimitri coming here it's all just too much. But I didn't get any chance to think because Viktoria came into my room. "Hey Roza what happened last night?" she came and sat down next to me I sighed "I have no clue I guess just hearing his voice was too much to handle, that reminds me where is he now?" She looked at me "He's here and probably will be for a few days sorry" she looked down "Hey it's ok it's his house anyway" she looked at me "Do you think you will be ok?" I wasn't sure how to answer at all. So I went with the truth "I don't know Vika. I don't know"

**DPOV**

When the door opened I saw Babushka standing behind it. I was happy to see it was her but she suddenly slapped me across the face. I was shocked I looked at her "What was that for?" I ask her "You left her now she is broken" from the other room I hear someone call "Mama what happened?" "Is she here Babushka?" I ask her. She gave me a look that I couldn't decipher and she moved out of the way and let me into the house. It smelt just as I remember. I passed the pictures hanging on the wall from when my sisters and I were younger. I walk to the front room and see a sad sight I see people huddled around the couch "Is everything ok?" I ask forgetting they didn't know I was alive "Dimika?" They all turned around and faced me but I couldn't see who or what they were crowding around. They all came up and hugged my mother started to cry but then one by one they backed up and slapped me just as Babushka had. After it all my cheek was sore and I held an ice pack to it. "Mama should we move her to the bedroom?" I didn't hear a reply so I'm guessing my mother just nodded I was sitting in the kitchen I wanted to know who they were talking about so when I walk to the door way to watch them hold up a girl with long beautiful wavy brown hair almost black and tan skin she was Dhampir and as soon as I saw her I knew who it was it was my Roza she did go to Russia I knew it. But I didn't have time to be happy I was more curious as to why she was passed out and being carried up the stairs to a room. So I waited until they came back down to question them.

When they did come back down about ten minutes later I was sitting in the front room waiting for them. "Dimika" my mama whispered softly as she hugged me again she had tears in her eyes they all gave me another hug except Sonya. I was still confused as to why they all slapped me and she refused to welcome me home. My mother gave her a disapproving look but then looked at me with a small smile. "Mama why aren't you shocked?" she looked at me I wasn't sure what it meant. "Right before you got here Roza was telling us why she came to Russia" she told them. she told them everything. No wonder sonya didnt welcome me as kindly and it explains why my cheek hurts they are mad. I mean I would to if it was me but i understand that they are mad. But I still dont get why she fainted when i came here. "Im sorry mama" i hung my head in shame Babuska looked at me with the same look earlier I still didnt understand it. "Why did she pass out?" I asked te obvious question that no one had an answer to. We sat and thought for a moment about it but came up with nothing. Hopefully we will find out tomorrow but because it was getting late my mother sent us all to bed. But before sleeping i had some of the home cooked meal that I so very much longed. It tasted just as it did years ago when i last ate it. One of the best meals in years. I walked arpound my house for awhile remmbering the marks on the walls looking at the pictures from the past few years. Soon my Grandmother came in and sat with me. "Dimika she is broken" i shook my head "I know you said that earlier." she looked me in the eyes "You must fix the scars you made". this as things i already knew I wanted some helpful information."Dimika, the road to peace and happiness is never easy you must fix the broken to get there but to fi the broken others must heal first." with that she walked out the door. I walked up stairs to my room and passed the room Roza was staying in and i couldnt help myself but look through the door. What i saw shocked me she was beautiful but she looked just as sleep deprived as me her sleeve by her wrist was pulled i i thought i saw scars but i shook it off as a trick of the light. I continued to my room and looked over everything it looked just as i had left it my bed nicely made but there was something diffrent i think it was the sent. I went and smelled the bed and it smelled just like Roza. I tried to sleep but knowing Rose was in the same house just a few rooms away it didnt help that my bed smelled just like her but sleep didnt come. It avoided me just like it did every night but tonight it was worse I wasnt even the least bit tired only awake. Things ran through my mind Why did she come here? How did i not guess she would be with my family she told me she became very close with them. Why wasnt it obvious? Do i not know her like i thought or is the lack of sleep and nightmares getting to me? and the most important question, does she still love me?

** Dimitri just sowed up i feltit was time the saw each other again! If you have anything that is confusing you or anything just let me know and i will try to get back to i will try to get it up as soon as possible i will try my hardest! because you all seem to enjoy it. Thank you all again for reading it and reveiwing i love you all! this chapter is kinda short but i really wanted to get it up today! I have 1 question though is the Dimitri pov good because im not sure if its good enough i want to make sure i portraying the hot Russian Correctly!**


	6. Roza!

**all of you are probably murderess because its been like a month and let me tell you it has been one heck of a month. Way to many things to do and my friends are right in the middle of drama in school and im their go to person. So i have been busy but its SPRING BREAK! and i want to get TWO OR THREE chapters up this week maybe but i might be just this one! First i want want to say im not a fan of the cutting also but i needed something BIG to happen and thats what came up! also Yes it may seem he doesnt love Rose But Dimitri does Trust me! things just need to play out this way. And i know im a bad person because of the late UD but i will try my darndest to be more productive in this story! BY the way i own none of this stuff except for Alexandra and Domenick! All the charaters go to Richelle Mead! this chapter is short i am aware of this but i only started it today at like noon and i get destractid easily. Thank you for all of the reviewers! and those who love my story! it makes me happy! And on forth to the Story!**

**RPOV**

"I don't know Vika. I don't know". She gave me a hug "Breakfast will be ready soon so you might want to come and get it." She gave me one more hug before she left. I sat for a few minutes until I sniffed the air and let me tell you it didn't smell to nice so I went to the shower and peeled off the dirty clothes. I looked in the mirror I lost some weight from my lack of eating my face was thinner and so were my hips. I was kind of sad to lose them but then I saw my face it wasn't as much of a mess as usual. I touched my wrist to take the band-aids off, only to find them missing. My eyes widened I could see the scars the scabs were gone only scars left. Then the realization hit me Viktoria could have seen them. But she never said anything so I think she didn't, I hope she didn't. I shook my head and got in the shower. I let the water run over me for a while I didn't feel the heat though I turned the cold all the way off in hope of feeling the hot water singe my skin but it didn't and when I got out I was a red as a lobster. Yet I didn't feel the burn of it or any heat at all. I was numb and cold. I went to grab my clothes when I realized I didn't grab any. "Nice going Rose" I muttered under my breath. Great! Now I'm talking to myself.

I wrapped the towel around me. I looked in the hall way to see if anyone was there. My room was at the far end and I didn't feel like having people see me. So I crept quietly down the hall when a door opened so I went into the closet room. I softly shut the door and turned around to see what room I'm in. I over looked over everything the window the desk, and the bed which had someone in it. They were tall had brown hair and muscular and definitely a guy. I was in Dimitri's room. Crap! He looked so peaceful in his sleep. His back was towards me. But I could make out every detail. The way his chest fell while he breathed the way the blanket wrapped around him making him seem irresistible. He turned and my breathing stopped he was just as beautiful as every his face soft, his hair a little mess, and his lips curved into a small smile and then they frowned and his soft face turned fearful.

He was having a nightmare, I so very badly wanted to comfort him but I knew better he could wake up and he doesn't want to see me. Right? His lips started to move but I couldn't hear what he was saying. My curiosity got the better of me and I cautiously moved closer t o him I knelt down next to his bed. It was like he knew I was there his hand moved out to me so I quickly backed up. But then it fell so I moved closer again. A piece of his hair fell in front of his face and not in control of my actions I brushed it out of his face. His and mine breathe hitched. When I touched it, it was just as soft as I remember it to be. He didn't wake though. His lips formed a smile once again like the bad dream vanished and turned into something good. I moved back quickly realizing what I did. How am I supposed to get over him if he is here also. I left his room and ran to my own. I sat on my bed my skin no longer red but back to its natural tan color. God, I'm in love with him and nothing will ever change that.

I changed into new clothes my head still spinning from being in his room. I take a few minutes to sit and gather my running thoughts. Then I stood up and walked down stairs to get breakfast when I got there everyone was already sitting even Dimitri. They all looked at me when I entered the room and took my seat. "Roza I see your doing better" Olena said as she set a plate filled with food in front of me "Yes thank you." I didn't say much nor did I listen much I ate a little bit to be polite but I got full quickly. So I excused myself quickly and avoided making eye contact with anyone as I got up and left. I went up to my room, and put some shoes on I needed to get out of here. I was going down the stairs when I ran into someone, and guy, Dimitri. I tried to pass him but he grabbed my wrist. A rush of warmth spread through me unlike when I was in the shower. Now I felt warm hot even."Roza" He whispered it wrapped around me the sweet sound of his voice was like music to my ears but I won't let it affect me on the outside anyway because everything on the inside just melted with the one word. His face was unguarded "What" my voice was guarded and not reveling my emotions or so I hoped. "We need to talk" His voice was soft. "We have nothing to talk about" I jerked my hand back and ran out of the house and ran. I didn't know where I was going all I knew was I wanted to get away. I ended up at an empty park. Completely empty, a forest was next to it I felt the sudden urge to go into it. I walked for a bit and then I found clearing. It was beautiful and calm I felt free. With no one around I screamed and cried to let it all out. I felt alone not just because I was in a physical state but I did in a mental state as well. I felt like I was on my own, I needed someone. I cried and screamed for hours. But I still felt the pain I needed it to leave in my pocket I found it the razor blade. For the second time I held it to my wrist and made a cut and another and another, until I passed out from the lack of blood but before I did I heard someone scream "Roza!"

Later I found myself lying down in a hospital hooked up to all sorts of machines. I don't remember what happened after I passed out. I heard footsteps so I looked up to the doorway in to familiar brown eyes.

**DPOV**

I don't remember falling asleep but I did or I wouldn't have fallen into the weirdest dream I have had since being back.

_I was living in a small house I look out the window it was light out and I saw a small garden outside. I walk through the halls finding pictures of rose and her friends and a few of just the two of us. I walk into a room and see my Roza holding a stake and putting it away. "Roza?" my voice was different not as it normally is she turns around and her beauty hits me and I look her over her long hair amazing body, on her left hand on the ring finger sits a ring. We must be married. But her eyes are different there is a dark look in them. "Dimitri are you okay?" the dark look is still there but I ignore it "Amazing I have you my Roza" I grab her and pull her close she giggles it fills the room "Dimitri I have a surprise for you" she walks over to where she just put the stake away and takes it out and charges at me she holds me down "Roza what are you doing?" I ask her she gives me a rueful smile "Don't you see you have to die for all the lives you took I thought it was worth it I was wrong your guilty and need to be killed" just before she shoves the stake through my heart the scene changes. _

"_Morning Comrade" She is brushing the hair out of my face the dream is so vivid I can feel her hand on my face the warmth of her just being near me I smile. "Morning Roza I love you" she smiled "I love you too" she leaned into kiss me and suddenly all dreams are gone I wake up._

Feeling as though a part of my just walked out of the room, my face feels warm where she brushed my hair in the dream. It felt so real. Something in the room I different I don't know what it is just that it changed. I got up and took a shower. I walked down to breakfast Rose wasn't down yet so I just sat down and ate in silence waiting for her to come down. When she finally did I noticed a difference in her she was thinner it made her look to old for her age her hips were smaller. She was still beautiful no doubt but she doesn't look happy and looks as though she hasn't slept in days. I kills me to see her so broken its worse to know it's all my fault. I thought it was better but I was wrong. She didn't eat much or say much. She wasn't the same Rose I use to know she was broken. She didn't make eye contact with anyone when she excused herself I left a few seconds after her hoping to get the chance to talk to her. I caught her on her way down the stairs. I grabbed her arm and felt heat flow through me I was more alive than ever. "Roza" I whispered I looked at her really looked at her eyes were tired but her lips were still the same I fought the urge to kiss her knowing it would make things worse. "What?" her voice was guarded not letting any emotion shine through just like her face it was blank. But even with no emotion I still felt joy spread through me her voice so magnificent and wonderful. "We need to talk" she shook her head "We have nothing to talk about" her voice was hard the only thing showing me that she was upset that and the force she used when she pulled her hand away. I felt cold blast through me again when she did. She raced out of the house I waited a few seconds before going after her. But by the time I got outside she was already gone. I ran hoping to find see her but I didn't. I ended up in the middle of town. The Market to be exact, I knew she wouldn't be here with all the people.

"Dimitri!" I heard a voice call me I turned around it was Alexandra. "Hello Alexandra" she shook my hand. She had someone standing next to her. "Dimitri this is my Boyfriend Domenick" he was tall but shorter than me like most people but still tall his hair blond and eyes brown. "Nice to meet you" we shook hands "Thank you for saving her I don't know what I would do without her" He kissed her cheek she giggled. "It wasn't a problem" he nods "Dimitri have you met with your mother yet?" little did she know I met more than just my mother. "Yes I went there she was very excited to have me back." I didn't want to talk anymore I had more than enough thing on my mind. "It was nice see you again but I have to go" I walked away not knowing what to do about Rose. I love her more than anything but how can I prove that to her. I wish I could turn back time and take back those awful four words I said. But I can't and wishing won't make it happen I got myself into this mess and somehow I need to get out. But I can't help but think I'm into deep and there is no exit. I head back home to see if she had gone back yet.

"Mama!" I call. "Yes?" she calls from the kitchen "Has Rose been back yet?" she looked sad "No not after she left after breakfast I was hoping you would find her". I shook my head "I haven't seen her" I sit down at the table and put my head in my hands my mother comes and puts a hand on my shoulder. "She will come back" I nod not sure but I nod anyway. I get up and walk around the house remembering things from my childhood when things were simple and my life wasn't a mess like it is now. "Dimika!" Vika comes to me "Have you seen Roza I wanted to see if she wanted to go shopping with me?" she asked me "No I haven't seen her she ran off after breakfast and hasn't been back since" I stated and walked away from her stunned figure. She caught up to me though "Have you looked for her?" I stopped moving and faced her "Of course! I went right after she left to see if I could find her!" to say she was shocked by my outburst would be an understatement. "I'm sorry I just don't want her hurt there's no need to scream at me!" she yelled back at me. We were both silent for a minute Vika broke the silence "She would want to be alone right?" I nodded not sure where she was going with this. "Well did you check that park by the woods no one goes to?" that's right I forgot it was there I grabbed her arm and pulled her to my car we drove to the park in silence. Ok not silence because Vika complained about her arm but I ignored her I just wanted to find Rose the sun would be going down soon so I had to find her quick.

We drove to the park and jumped out of the car. We looked all around the park not a single sign of her. Until I saw a little opening in the forest it seemed to be an old pathway. "Vika, look" I pointed to the pathway. "She must have gone into the forest" I nodded who knows what could be I there. I went first incase anything attacked Vika could get back faster. Soon we came across a clearing but I couldn't see it the tree branches hung to low for me to see or go under "Vika go into the clearing and see if she is in there" She nodded and crawled under the branches. I heard her footsteps grow faster and heavier meaning she was running then I heard her scream "Roza!" I no longer cared about the branches they scratched up my face as I ran into the clearing to see what happened what shocked me was, Rose laying down red faced and puffy eyes was in a pool of blood coming from her wrist next to her lay a razor blade. "Roza!" Vika screamed "Let me get her run back to the car and get it started we have to take her to the hospital." Vika had a few tears on her face and so did I. But I grabbed Rose and ran as fast as I could back to the car. I placed her in the back seat "Vika sit in back with her and try to stop the bleeding" I took the driver's seat and ignored every single road law in the world. When we got to the hospital I picked Roza up again and ran in screaming for help a few tear still leaking from my eyes. They took her into a room and had us wait in the lobby. I called my Mama and told her to tell the family what happened. How could this happen I hurt her so much I made her cut herself. I am a sad excuse for a man. I should have never had said those things and this would have never happened. I put my head in my hands when the doctor said we could see her but only one at a time.

**Hey! ok quick question who do you want to talk to Rose First? Vika or Dimitri? im not sure so i thought i would ask you guys! Sorry if this chapter was crappy! the next one will be better i hope anyway! love all of you! Please review if you can! If you have any questions or suggetions for the story pm me or leave it in a comment i would love to hear what you have to say and want to be in the story. By the way! im out of books to read any good suggestions? i like the whole paranormal romance theme! I bid you ado! byeee! **


	7. Chapter 7: Mirrors and Hope

**I am so joyus! i got to put up thi chapter i must say it is one of my favortie and least favorite chapters so far! i love all those who reviewed and favortied Me as an author and this story! i love you all! this chapter is the longest one yet! With 3,396 words! i feel so proud! i hope you guys like it but ome of it may not be very good as normal but i have been typing all day even my homework is on the computer! so im kinda sick of typing but whatever! Disclaimer I DO NOT OWN VAMPIRE ACADEMY IT ALL BELONGS TO RICHELLE MEAD! i only own alexandrea and domenick who are not even in this chapter!**

**Olivia Williams; I must say you are the only person who told me who they think should meet with Rose first so Thats what i went with!**

**Mikhailaa : Thanks for the tip about the whole New paragraph when people are talking i did that in this chapter i hope it helps!**

**I send a big THANKS to all of those who say you love this story! i will try to be better at UD! you guys make me feel like i should truley consider becomeing a writer when i grow up i have always wanted to but never been sure if i should! Now onth to the story!**

**RPOV**

Later I found myself lying down in a hospital hooked up to all sorts of machines. I don't remember what happened after I passed out. I heard footsteps so I looked up to the doorway in to familiar brown eyes.

"Hey Roza" Viktoria walked in, so I sat up.

"Hi" my voice was weak,

"Why? Why did you do that?" she had tears in her eyes. Mine were watering up as well.

"Too much, it was just too much" I place my head in my hands to hope she doesn't see the tears my voice was strong now but weak from emotion.

"What was? What was too much?" she took the seat next to my bed. Didn't she know? How could she I never told her. No one knew. I don't think even I knew. Knew that this pain was so strong, knew that it could smother me and take away my life. But now she knew and I knew and soon they will all know.

"The pain!" The tears that were threating to break out finally fall down my cheeks one after another. Viktoria came and sat on the bed to comfort me and I cried my eyes out. Some point while crying on a hospital bed I feel back asleep.

_I was in a room filled with mirrors all of them starring back at me. I made a circle the mirror me's followed my movement. I looked up to see the sky crystal clear, not a cloud in sight. I could count the stars if I wanted to. But as soon as I looked up it filled with dark clouds and thunder started to roar and rain started to pour down on me. But with no roof or shelter I was soaked in a matter of seconds. "Why?" I started to shiver the rain made my clothes stick to me. _

"_You deserve this" I heard someone say I looked around but all I saw was my reflection,_

"_No one loves you" I continued to look around,_

"_Where are you" I look around again this time they don't follow me,_

"_We are all around you" their lips moved at once speaking all at the same time with one strong voice that sounded just as mine does._

"_What do you want?" I try to speak with the same confidence as the mirrors do but I don't I can't._

"_To let you see the truth" they laugh as though it's obvious._

"_What truth?" I was scared what truth did I need to be told_

"_The truth that you're all alone no one is on your side." They spoke in sync making the same movements as though mocking each other._

"_No I'm not" they laugh at me again_

"_Who loves you then?" Lissa, Eddie, Christian, Mia, My mom, my dad._

"_Lies!" they shouted can they hear my thoughts?_

"_None of them love you if they did they would have found you by now" but they are trying right?_

"_Viktoria and the Belikovs love me" I challenge the mirrors_

"_No they don't Viktoria doesn't don't you remember she said she hates you" thinking back to the last time I was here she did say that didn't she? Could it be true could they all hate me and feel pity?_

"_Of course! They pity you! Look at you!" I turn around to see if I could escape their faces. But no such luck they are all around me._

"_And those royal friends of yours? Lissa is the last Dragomir do you really think she loves you please! Christian, Eddie and Mia hate you to." No they don't right? No they are my friends. The mirror tells lies._

"_No they hate you, because you killed Mason if it wasn't for you he would be alive" that hit me hard they said it wasn't my fault but were they lying? Is it my fault? It is if I didn't tell him where they were he would have never gone after them. I killed Mason of course they would hate me._

"_And your mother do you know why she's never been around?" I didn't bother replying because they would say it anyway_

"_Because you a disgrace they are happy to be rid of you, all of them without you they can go far you held them all back." The mirrors are right they could do so much more without me it would be better for them. Better for Dimitri gosh, he hates me most of all he pretty much said so already. So that leaves me with no one. I'm all alone I'm just a block I get in the way I don't help I only make things worse. I started to cry then the dream faded away._

I woke up with a start the dream was so vivid I remember everything that happened. Is it true? Am I all alone? I turn to see I'm all alone. Viktoria left while I was asleep a friend would have stayed, so it must be true no one loves me. Soon a doctor comes in.

"Hello Rose" they have a thick accent but I can kinda understand then.

"Excuse me but do you know when I can leave?" I really wanted to get out of here I hate hospitals.

"Yes you can as soon as I'm done" I don't say anything else. I just leave the hospital is very small so it was easy to find the door. Wait I don't have a car! "Dang!"

I have a little change in my pocket just enough for a cab. I go to the Belikovs to get my things but I can't go through the front door they would all see me so I walk around the edge till I find the window to the room I was staying in. I found a ladder close by so I used that to climb up to my second floor window. I look at the time it's only a little after midnight, but its two days later from when I was in the field. I must have slept for an entire day! I'm guessing that no one has been in here because nothing is moved. I quietly walk over to the closet and as silently as I can open the door. Inside I find things rumpled and clothes on the floor. I grab my suit case and place all of my things in it. I walk back over to my window to see if anyone was watching. No one was around so I got ready to go down the ladder only to find it missing. "Crap!" someone must have seen it and moved it! I heard footsteps coming this way I walk to the door to see if they pass but they stop in front of my door and then I hear voices

"I found a ladder outside of her window she must have snuck in" I hear a manly voice say Dimitri I instantly knew it was his.

"I highly doubt she would sneak through a window my son" Yeva she the only one I know who talks like that, plus she sounds older.

"Can't I just check?" Dimitri asks. No! Do not let him come in he can't see me! Please don't let him come in. The door knob moves a little

"Dimitri! Stop snooping now go to your room" a third voice joins the conversation.

"Mama I'm not snooping I found a ladder outside her window and I want to see if she is in there" His mother I should have guessed.

"Dimika look I know you're worried but do you honestly think she would climb through a window after that?" I knew they would tell the family. I need to find a way to get out of here without being caught. Yet a part of me wishes he would open that door but he can't see me. Not now not after that.

"Please mama I just want to look" his voice sounds worried but I can't let that fool me. He doesn't care for me none of them do. How could I ever think any of them ever did? I may love him and everyone else they don't love me and they never will.

"Fine son you may look but don't mess with anything" Olena sighed.

Oh No! I ran with my stuff to the closet and sat in the furthest corner. I left a crack in the door so I can see what is happening after a few seconds I hear the door to the room open and he steps inside. He instantly looks around but seems to find nothing out of place. He sighs. He sits on my bed; he runs his hands of the silky fabric. Everything about him is beautiful he moves so gracefully which seems impossible with his height. I see why I love him but not just for his godly good looks. But if you get to know him he isn't just a stoic guardian he sweet caring loving and so much more, hands that could kill and so soft and gentle. A face can turn soft with just the hint of a smile everything about him is perfect. That's why I love him. Yet I'm not perfect I ruin things I killed Mason I did everything wrong. Someone so imperfect could never be with someone so perfect such as him. I sighed forgetting he was there his head whipped around and faced the closet. I held my breath and everything in me tensed waiting to see what he does. He only watches time passes feeling like hours but it was only merely seconds. Before he tore his head away to look at my dresser he runs his hands over it the same as he did with the bed. I left my lip gloss of the dresser he picked it up and covered it with his fist he was angry for the reason I don't know. After a few seconds he sets it down

"Oh Roza" with that he walks back out the door. I let out the breath I had been holding ever since I thought he was going to find me. I stand up and wait a little bit until walking out of the closet. I walk back over to the window looking out it to think of possible ways to get out. The only way is to jump. So I took the risk and threw my stuff out the window and them I followed it I landed on my feet without a scratch. It made a loud noise so ran to my car and drove off away from the house I didn't know where I was going but it was dark and I needed to find a place to stay quick or I just may become stigori lunch.

**DPOV**

Viktoria ended up going first after minutes of arguing. She was right it probably better for Vika to see her first. Who knows what kind of reaction she would have if I walked in to see her. I stayed in the waiting room. I have no clue what's going on in there. I want some answers as to why she would even think about cutting herself or worse killing herself. Did I cause he that much pain is part of it darkness? Things run through my head. Why did I say that we could have avoided this whole thing I wasn't this stupid. I wish I could hold her and tell her I'm sorry and that I never had wanted to say that. But I can't because she won't even talk to me all I have caused her is pain I have broken her. I wanted to smash my head into a wall. But then Viktoria came back with a nurse tugging her but her shirt.

"You can't make me leave she needs us with her!" she's screaming

"Visiting hours are over you need to leave" the nurse let go of Vika's shirt

"Please just let us stay" I try to convince the nurse.

"No she is asleep and doesn't not need you to stay you must leave no exceptions. You can come back again tomorrow during visiting hours" the nurse really wanted us to leave.

We tried to talk her into letting us stay but nothing worked. We wouldn't leave so then we got thrown out by security usually I could have taken them on but I didn't have the energy in me to fight them ad neither did Vika. So we got into my car and drove home

"Dimika we are coming back tomorrow right?" how she could even question that is crazy

"As soon as visiting hours start" she sniffed she looked as though she had been crying. Her shirt is also tear stained that means my Roza was crying to. No Dimitri she is not yours you caused this! We went home that night and told the whole family what happened at the field and at the hospital. To say they were shock would be a lie they were more than shocked. We all went to bed with things running through our heads. But one thing came to mind a night or two or three I can't remember ago I thought I had seen scars on her wrists but I convinced myself I hadn't but I really had she had cut herself before this. How long though how long has she done this. That night once again I dreamt of my days as a stigori, same as always. Waking up and feeling even more tired than before. I woke up early that day so I went for a run. No one else was up and I had a feeling that they won't be for a while. I don't know which way I was running but I ran. I had ran in a circle because I ended up back at my house. The sun was higher in the sky but it was still early. Inside I found my grandmother with two cups of steaming tea.

"I see your back now" she took a sip of her tea and motioned for me to sit.

"Morning grandmother" I took a sip of the tea it was burning hot but I didn't feel it too bad.

"Son you haven't been doing well lately" I sighed

"I know" I drank some more tea

"Why is she broken still?" I didn't have an answer for that. Ok I did but I didn't like it.

"She won't even talk to me how am I to fix that then?" she shook her head at me.

"You have to talk to her" this woman will drive me insane.

"She won't listen" I tried a different approach

"Then say something interesting" does she not see that's not the problem

"Look Grandmother I would like some help and this isn't helping" we both drank some more tea.

"Help comes in strange ways" I wish help would turn back time. I sighed again.

"Grandmother please" I need some kind of advice.

"My son she will listen to you but not if you won't speak" I have been trying to speak. I'm so frustrated.

"I have been trying to" she gets some more tea for us.

"She is falling you must pick her up before she hits the bottom" What is she talking about. Falling where is she falling? Yeva leaves me at the table with my thoughts. But too soon comes down my mother to make breakfast.

"Morning Mama." I give her a kiss on the cheek.

"Morning to you to Dimika" she get out things and starts breakfast.

"Would you like some help?" I need to distract myself or I will just sit there and think.

"Yes thank you" I help her make breakfast it tastes just as it always does. But the conversation is not like normal.

"When are we going to go see Roza again?" Vika asks everyone else nods with her in agreement.

"As soon as everyone is ready" as soon as I said that Viktoria runs up stairs to get ready. The rest of us soo follow her. I don't put on anything special but jeans and shirt and my duster.

"Come on people let's go!" Vika screams from the bottom of the stairs.

"Were coming!" we all shout back at her I can hear her laugh. Soo we are stuffed into our cars and heading to the hospital. We head straight to her room but she's still asleep. She seems so peaceful in her sleep

"You still love her don't you?" Karolina comes up behind me making me jump. I look back at the beauty lying on the bed.

"Yes I do with all my heart" Karolina comes up and hugs me. I hug her back.

"Good I think she still loves you to or she would have been so depressed" she gives me a small smile. She still loves me. It gives me hope. Maybe just maybe I have a chance of regaining her trust and being with her again and this time forever. I take hold of Roza's hand and a small smile ends up on both of our faces. I stay there all day not leaving until once again the same nurse kicks us out. She will be released when she wakes up.

At home none of us do much. We eat dinner but no one says anything. I try to fall asleep but I can't so I take a quick walk around the house. When I see a ladder under the window of Roza's room I instantly run into the house when I find my Grandmother standing in the hall. We walk forward some.

"I found a ladder outside of her window she must have snuck in" I say we are standing outside of her door.

"I highly doubt she would sneak through a window my son" Yeva says, she must have I know it why else would it be there?

"Can't I just check?" If she is in there she would have to talk to me I moved the ladder so she would have no choice.

"Dimitri! Stop snooping now go to your room" My mother heard me talking to Yeva. I felt like a child being scolded I mean I was being scolded but I'm no child.

"Mama I'm not snooping I found a ladder outside her window and I want to see if she is in there" I really hope she does and even if she's not I could still smell her in there and that would be almost as good.

"Dimika look I know you're worried but do you honestly think she would climb through a window after that?" knowing Roza she would heck! She would fight stigori after that.

"Fine son you may look but don't mess with anything" I waited until they both walked away before opening the door but inside it was vacant no sign of her I sighed. I was hoping she would be in here. I walk over to her bed and sit on it running my hands over the silky fabric imaging the way she would look sleeping in her with her eyes closed her face soft. Her hair sprawled all around her, I love her hair. It makes me think of why I love her but it's not only because of her beauty but her kindness, humor and selflessness. She's so perfect and I'm not I lied to her. I love her and I never will stop I'm not worthy of her though she's so perfect and yet I'm imperfect. I was pulled out of my thoughts when I heard a small sigh come from the closet I whipped to the sound. Was it Roza? I don't know I watched it for a few seconds willing for the sound to come again but it never did. I walked to the dresser and ran my hands over it also. I found her lip gloss that I bought her a year ago when my love had just started. I smiled at the thought but quickly it went away when I realized I had ruined that love. I made a fist while holding the lip gloss. But I calmed myself and set it down.

"Oh Roza" with that I left the room of the girl I love.

**Again i would like to thank those who review and if you would thank you! if you have any suggestions or confusions with the story let me know! i hope none of you dream of a bunch of mirrors! honeslty no clue how i even thought of that idea! Its really hard not to make Rose run back into Dimitris arms! Im a total! Dimitri/Rose fan! BYE BYE! till next time my darlings!**


	8. Chapter 9: What have I done?

******IM BACK! YAY! today i wrote this chapter but its not very big nothing important happens. well something happens but you have to read to find out! **

******This would have been up earlier but I went to Richelle Meads book signing near me kinda! But she is so cool! I loved it! she signed all my books! but on a different note i actually wrote this at nine in the afternoon! (Hehe P!ATD reference! Gosh i love them so much! I saw them in concert once totally fun! Their first album is best! just saying) Anyway! school ended for the year so i will be back to about weekly updates or maybe even two a week i have no clue but at least once a week! well until school starts up again but we will jump that hurdle when we get there! By the way i loved all the reviews and ideas for this story!  
>NecholeEJ you rock! reviews were so great! All my little readers are lovely and Brilliant! thank you for loving it! Well Darlings i dont think i have anything else to say so i hope you enjoy this chapter im not a big fan of it but i thought we need a little drama! I also have a very very short Lissa POV in there so remember that! AND ON WITH THE STORY<strong>

**RPOV**

I was driving in the street only light out if coming from the street lights, I pretty much have only one option and that is to go to Mark and Oksana. At least for the night because lets face it I don't have many options. I vaguely remember the way to their house because the last time I came here I walked and was more focused on the boxes I was carrying. But somehow I managed to get back to their house in one piece.

"Damn" I forgot it was so late. I knocked on the door; I heard footsteps come closer to the door. When it opened I was greeted but a very tired looking Mark. "Hey Mark" I said he looked shocked to see me "Rose is that you?" I nodded and he let me in. I sat on their couch and Mark went to go turn a light on. Then Oksana came out,

"Who was at the door?" She also looked tired but Mark was more awake now. She came into full view and saw me sitting on the couch

"Rose" she was shocked just like Mark was but she came and gave me a hug.

"Nice to see you too" I laughed a little and she sat down next to me but grabbed my arm and looked at the bandages.

"What happened?" I didn't know what to tell her because I didn't want to tell her the truth, because I know I shouldn't have done it but sometimes life gets too hard. I know how Lissa felt, I miss her terribly. I should check on her at some point maybe. But part of it I think was darkness, who knows it probably got rid of some of it.

"It was an accident." It really was I didn't plan to do that. Oksana closed her eyes and placed her hands on the bandages and I felt the hot cold sensation flow through my arm. I knew she was healing it. Now Mark was sitting down in a chair across the room and Oksana next to me on the sofa.

"You didn't have to do that" I said but she only smiled at me.

"I wanted to. But on a different note what are you doing here?" I faked a smile.

"Just wanted to visit." She frowned at me we both knew I was lying.

"You and I both know that isn't true, so why are you really here?" I sighed I didn't know where to start with this.

"How about the beginning?" she gave me a small smile.

"Sorry, I couldn't help it." I had forgotten she could read minds.

"It's ok but it's a good place to start, Okay so it all goes back to when Mark had told me the story about Robert Doru…" I went on to tell the story but very vaguely because I still couldn't tell it without crying the truth is I cried while telling the entire story, it made me feel so weak and I can't be weak not now. Now I have to be strong, strong for myself because no one can be strong for me.

"Rose I am so sorry that happened to you, you don't deserve that no one does." Oksana gave me a hug. I needed one to. My nose was still running and I bet my face was red and blotchy.

"Rose would you like some water?" I nodded my head. She came back with a glass I drank it down in one gulp.

"Thank you I needed that" she smiled Mark stood up from the chair he was sitting in.

"Well I don't know about you girls but I am tired so if you don't mind I will be going to bed" He left back to his room.

"Rose I figure because you came here in the middle of the night you would like to stay the night" I nodded and yawned because I didn't notice it until now but I am exhausted.

"I'm sorry but our guest room is currently unavailable because it is occupied by junk. So the only available place to sleep is the sofa." I smiled softly.

"Its fine I appreciate you even allowing me to stay here for the night." Its true I kinda expected her to kick me out.

"It's perfectly fine stay as long as you need" she went to find me a blanket and a pillow.

"Thank you so much for letting me stay here again" I said

"Its fine we can talk more in the morning, good night Rose." She turned the light out and left the room back down the hallway. I lay on the sofa looking at the ceiling. I wonder if they will come looking for me or if they even care. I turn to my side and close my eyes soon I'm asleep and at court.

"Adrian I know you're here!" I walk around a bit to look for him but what I find is not what I was expecting, instead of Adrian I find Lissa standing in front of me. I couldn't keep the look of shock off of my face.

"Liss you can't dream walk!" she smiles proudly

"Now I can, but that's not important what's important is that you come back to court." She walked up to me. But doesn't she know I left for a reason, I didn't leave to come back.

"Lissa I'm not coming back" her smile fell into a frown.

"But why not?" didn't she understand I can't come back.

"Because I left for a reason and it wasn't so I could come back" I backed up a step. I could feel her sadness through the bond it was coming out in waves.

"But Rose didn't you ever plan to come back?" I shook my head no and she started to get angry.

"But what about me how are you suppose to be my guardian if you aren't even here!" I didn't need the bond to know she was pissed I could tell it just from her face.

"I'm not going to be your guardian then. They will give you someone fit for the job." Its true with me gone they will give her another guardian if she needs it.

"Rose but what am I going to do without you!" I laughed

"You were doing perfectly fine before I left" she looked confused

"Remember you were perfectly fine without me! You didn't talk to me! You spent all your time with _Dimitri!_ You didn't even save him all you did was stake him and yet you took all the credit not even bothering to correct people! And you know what else; you didn't even notice the pain I was in. Do you know what he said to me? He said _love fades, mine has!" _Words were cut off by a memory of him telling her that all I saw was he telling her not her reaction.

"Oh so he did tell you and I bet you all laughed about it too! Thinking I don't have emotions that I don't have feelings! Well guess what I do and do you know what it felt like to hear those words?" she was cowering under me as I screamed at her but managed to shake her head.

"It felt like my heart was ripped out and stomped on! Like he took a part of my soul and crushed it! It was the worst feeling in the world worse than him being stigori! Do you know why it was worse! Because as a stigori he didn't control the things he said he wasn't him then, but when he said the four words that killed me he was himself and he meant them! He was in control and that is what broke my heart that is what killed me. But did you notice that? No! You didn't!" she stood up at a rate of speed I couldn't even get to.

"Rose shut up! Don't act like you're the only one who got hurt! My So called Best friend abandoned me twice now! Left me alone to be hurt! You promised you would protect me but even you didn't do that! You're a terrible guardian! I'm glad you're gone! And I hope you never come back!" And with that the dream ended. I woke up crying.

What have i done?

**LPOV(Lissa)**

****I had no clue she felt all of that, I'm a terrible friend, shes right i didn't care enough and i took all the credit for her work through the bond i sent her "Rose I am so sorry i didn't mean it i hope you can forgive me" i don't know if she will but she did leave me but she did what she had to do and i can't stop her. Maybe i am a terrible friend.

What have i done?

**DPOV**

After I left Rozas room I went to my own in hopes of some sleep but sleep decided to avoid me all night like usual so I tossed and turned for a few hours but nothing worked. So I just laid there looking at the ceiling hoping for sleep to overcome me. But it didn't so I was left with just my thoughts and they took me to the place they always go to. Roza. She is so beautiful dark brown hair the flows down in soft waves surrounding her face. Her face with full red lips I could kiss all day. Her eyes brown and large showing her strength or love or any emotion that fills them but I have only filled them with sadness. But they are still eyes that could see right past my walls and straight into my soul. They are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. Her skin is soft and yet tough from training. Her hands small but strong, she is so amazing the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on I remember when I first saw her.

_I was standing under a tree watching the room Rosemarie and the Princess stayed in. I saw her run across the small space that separated the beds between the girls. She woke her up and hugged her. Then I saw something that disgusted me, she showed her neck to the Princess and she drank her blood. I never imagined them doing that. Yet it didn't seem like when Blood whores do it. It was just well for blood nothing special about it. It just showed what a great guardian she is. At that moment she gained some of my respect. The princess left the room and Rosemarie came up to the window along with a cat and peered out in my direction, she jumped back and I knew I had been spotted. So I melted further back until I knew she couldn't see me. I told the other guardians she knew we were here and they would be leaving soon. Because they don't want to get caught, we got ready to chase them when they run. As soon as they did we started to chase them. _

_Rosemarie was clumsy but only I knew why she was the others didn't know. I ran fast enough to stop them. Rosemarie stopped and so did the Princess, I held my hands out in a calming gesture and took a step forward but she lashed out and attacked me I easily blocked it. But she started to fall to the ground and if she hit it, it would hurt, a lot so I reached out and grabbed her. It was the first moment I got to get a good look at her. She struck me with her beauty from the first look big brown eyes, long dark brown hair, and soft lips. She was so beautiful but something I noticed was the bite mark on her neck, she noticed me looking at it and shook her hair forward to cover it up._

The memory makes me smile, and made me think of another memory

_It was the end of practice one day and we were leaving because the Queen was coming tonight. "We're out of time. Don't you want to get ready?"_

"_Hell, yeah I do." I was walking in front of her I had only taken about ten steps when I heard a battle cry and she was about to leap onto my back. I quickly turned around and pinned her to the ground. She groaned_

"_I didn't do anything wrong" it was funny I was looking her in the eye._

"_The battle cry sort of gave you away. Try not to yell next time." _

"_Would it have made a difference if I had been quiet?" I thought about it._

"_No probably not." She sighed but still seemed happy. My hands holding her down felt her warm skin pressed against mine. Our faces merely inches apart. I wonder what it would be like to kiss her. Ever since the night I found her in the lounge I have noticed everything about her the way she walks to the way her mouth moves when she speaks. Even the way she smiles. I loved those smiles they brightened my day, no matter how terrible it had been before._

"_So um… you got any other moves to show me" my lips started to smile but I pushed it back. And I stood up. _

"_Come on, we should go" I walked in front not looking back because if I did I might do something I regret. I was crushing on my student my younger student. I did not need this right now._

That was the day I admitted to myself that I had feelings for Rose. I even remember the day I realized that I could never be with someone other than her. But before I could bring that memory forward my mind thought about the day I broke her heart. The day I said the four words I regret the most _love fades, mine has._ Why did I say that?

What have I done?

**Our Dimitri in remembering! I hope you guys think it was ok! i know its not good for how long it took to update but bigger things are coming up so this is like just a chapter to get us up to that stuff! You are all amazing if you could review i would appreciated it very much but if you don't want to it is ok. I think things will be going better i hope! anyway i wish you all happy days and my darlings you rock! Just give me a sign ( Hehe breaking Benjamin reference! I love my music! But Red jumpsuit apparatus is still number one! along with We the Kings!) If you love my story or if you dislike it! Sorry just got my albums in from the library for them so I'm listing to music and i just have to put my fave bands in here! you know what im just gunna go! BYE BYE my Little Readers Until next time!**


	9. Chapter 10

**Hey, look I have no excuse for this I am just a terrible person. Sorry. But this chapter is only RPOV because i had it dont but not the DPOV and i want to give you guys something. Before I go on vacation in two weeks. Yup this is just a quick head up i will be going on vacation for a week in a half and we are bringing the computer but i don't know if i will be able to type. DPOV of this chapter will be up before i go. I would like to thank everyone who reviewed! I love reading them! You all are great! Now on to the story!**

**RPOV**

Tears silently streamed down my cheeks and on to the couch I laid on. I felt so many emotions then but mostly I felt hurt it was pulsing into me from the bond I have never felt her emotions this strongly. It was so strong I was sucked into her head; she was sitting on her bed for her it was the middle of the night seeing as she was on the nocturnal schedule but to the rest of America around her it was day. She was crying into Christian's shirt and he was rubbing her back, I think he didn't even know what was making her cry. It took all of my strength to get out of her head because her emotions were so strong. I did my best to block her because I don't need her emotions over me.

Back in my own head and body it was dark the lights were out and the clock held the time. It was only 5 in the morning no one was up yet only me. The sky was starting to lighten up because of the sun moving over to this half of the Earth. My face was stained with tears that I quickly wiped off. I didn't want to go back o sleep and I couldn't just sit here so I went and found the bathroom I washed my face off. Then I went and sat on the couch doing nothing just sitting I can't even think my mind is jumbled. My thoughts ran through my head fast my body was exhausted but my mind was wide awake and running a marathon. I couldn't sleep even if I wanted to and boy did I want to. But soon enough just before the sun raised to much my eyes started to droop, and my head fall down and my body willed my mind to go to sleep. The blissfulness of sleep took over me.

I was woken up a few hours later by the smell of food my stomach sounded. I was starving I felt as though I haven't eaten in days, truthfully I don't believe I have eaten in the past two days. I rose from where I was laying my body ached from the couch. My legs were a little shaky and I had to wait a moment before walking. When I was able I made my way to where the smell was coming from.

"Morning Rose good to see you" Oksana had a smile on her face; she was completely dressed in fresh clothes, much nicer than my rumpled clothes and knotted hair. I gave a small smile because that was all I was capable of.  
>"Good morning, thank you for letting my stay here for the night." She smiled again.<p>

"It was fine; do you have any clothes to change into?" I thought of my suitcase in the car.

"Yes in my car I do" she nodded.

"How about you grab them and I will show you to the shower?" She continued to make the breakfast; it was a dish that I didn't know. I walked out to my car to gather the clothes I would wear today and my shower bag that held my shampoo, conditioner and hairbrush. I took a quick survey of the area no one was outside. The sun was shining I could only guess it was around 10 in the morning. I headed back inside, Oksana showed me to the bathroom, I stripped out of the clothes I believe I have worn for two straight days they were disgusting. I looked at my reflection in the full length mirror, my face was still a little puffy from crying and my face was streaked with dry tears, my hair looked nasty, but the thing I noticed most was my body my hips were a little smaller. I found a scale; I had lost weight because I haven't eaten much since I left court. I stepped away from the mirror and into the shower letting the hot water run across my skin, I washed my hair and scrubbed my body furiously hoping to wash away my problems maybe even my existence. It's not like people want me even Lissa had said that she was happy I had left and hopes I never come back.

I step out of the shower and look in the fog covered mirror I swipe the place right in front of my face. Maybe they are all right maybe I'm nothing after all I'm only a dhampir. I turn away from the mirror, get dressed and leave the bathroom hoping for something good to happen for a change.

"Rose I see you're out of the shower, perfect I just finished breakfast" Oksana was placing food on a plate. Mark was sitting at the table eating. I sat down and Oksana placed a plate in front of me and my stomach grumbled, I dug in to a food I didn't know I was just that hungry. Once breakfast was done nothing much happened I helped with the dishes after arguing about wanting to help. Then there was nothing much for me to do.

"Oksana I don't mean to intrude on your home but do you think I could stay tonight again if it's a problem I can find somewhere else to stay" I quickly added I hopped she would let me stay just because there is a hotel nearby.

"Of course stay as long as you need, you have been through a lot its fine." I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. Someone did care for me I guess it's true you're never as alone as you think you are.

"Thank you." I gave her a hug "If you need anything just ask ill do it for you" she laughed

"Well do you think you could run the store and get me some stuff I have a list", I nodded I needed something to do anyway.

"Here you go, you know where to go right?" I nodded again.

I got into my car and drove off towards the store. It wasn't too difficult to find what she needed. I had no trouble until I got in the checkout line. I about to pay for my things when two lines over I see a 6ft 7in giant with his silky brown hair tide at the back of his neck. His back it to me but I can't risk anything. As soon as I pay I grab my bags and get out as fast as possible without attracting unwanted attention. But I'm pretty sure he saw me with the way I ran out. I almost ran over a little kid. I ran all the way to my car and literally threw the stuff into the car hopped in and drove away but a car followed me almost immediately, I knew instantly it was him I drove around a bit hoping to lose him but he kept up so I just went to her house knowing I won't get away this time. I pull into the drive way and grab the bags and run into the house the door slams behind me. Oksana comes running to the front of her house.

"Rose what's wrong?" she looked at me and I gave a small smile.

"Nothing, nothing's wrong. Why would you think something's wrong."

I straightened up and fixed my shirt and stepped away from the door.

"Well you just busted in here as though you were being chased. Are you sure everything is all right?" I avoided her question by asking about the groceries.

"Where do you want these?" We walked to kitchen; as soon as I set them down I quickly walked to the front window and looked outside for his car or him. When I didn't see it I sat down on the couch. My heart raced at the thought of him chasing after me, but isn't that what he has been doing this entire time and all I have done is run away again; maybe it's time to stop running. But that thought flew out of my mind when I heard the doorbell ring. I stopped breathing, I didn't move at all.

"Rose do you think you can get the door?" Oksana asked me. But I couldn't move or speak; she came into the room and saw me frozen.

"Rose, Rose are you ok?" I gained control of my head and slowly nodded. She walked closer to me and bent down in front of me.

"Are you sure?" the doorbell rang again. "Rose can you get that please" I nodded again. Slowly I stood up and walked to the door, I stood in front of it for a moment. I took a deep breath and opened the door to the person who will forever hold my heart.

Neither of us said anything we just stood there looking at each other. I took in the way he looks his dark t-shirt, light wash jeans, his hair tide back but a few strands came free and hung around his face, his scent that smell so wonderful, but mostly his eyes that look down at me filled with so many emotions. I don't know how long we stood there I was caught in a trance, seeing him again for real this time have him stand in front of me just the two of us, had many thoughts running through my head.

"Roza" he whispered it took me out of the trance and I started to realize what I was doing, just by doing this, standing right here with him is making me heart beat more than a mile a minute, it wouldn't stop I was scared he could hear it. His voice was like music to my ears better actually. I shouldn't be doing this, but didn't I say maybe it was time to stop running, but if I let him in he might only break my heart again. Is it worth it? Yes completely 100 percent worth it. What am I saying he said he didn't love me? But why would he come after me if he didn't love me. He spoke again pulling me from my thoughts.

"Roza what are you? I thought you had. What are you doing here?" Words escaped me; I didn't know what to say at all. My mind and mouth wouldn't connect, my mouth would open my no words would come out.

"Roza why won't you talk to me?" I was still frozen; someone must think it's funny to watch me suffer, to watch me cry at night so maybe people won't hear me, to see me walk around heartbroken. But guess what, it's not funny not at all and it never will be. I am just standing there not responding and he turns to walk away but I can't let that happen, this time no one is running away. I muster up as much strength as I could and whisper his name that's all I say, his name. So softly I could barely hear it but he heard me, I know because his body became tense he stopped just outside of his car not even breathing it seems. I slowly make my way to him, now standing in front of him he turns to see me and softly whispers back "Roza" once again we stand there I see hope in his eyes so much hope. Hope that I can forgive him, hope we can be together again, and hope that I won't push him away. Words to not need to be spoken, our conversation is silent.

He leans down I can feel his breath on my lips so close so so close. But at the last possible second he pulls away. I turn my head away. He pulls it back to look at him.

"Roza I need to tell you something" my fears strike up again, could it be possible he would break my heart even more? No it can't there is something else I see the guilt in his eyes.

"What" my voice small. Not strong my fears are over powering.

"I'm sorry Roza, I love you, and I could never stop loving you." I feel the tears fill my eyes I wipe them away before speaking.

"Then why, Dimitri? Why push me away why?" he sighed a sad look came over his face.

"Because I wanted you to be safe I'm not safe you are gaining a reputation as a great guardian I can't ruin that, you deserve the best and that's not me, you are so perfect Roza, and I am not people don't even trust me most think I will lash out on them any minute and I don't want you to have to deal with that, you deserve more than that, you deserve someone who could give you everything you want." He looks at the ground. I force him to look at me how could he feel that way did he truly think he was not good enough?

"You are everything I could possibly want." This time when he leaned down I wouldn't let him turn away I grabbed his face and pulled it to mine. Our lips met in a passionate kiss holding all the love we have held back it got released into the kiss. He turned me so my back was against the car; he pressed himself against me capturing me between him and the car. His hands tangled themselves in my hair. While mine explored his chest through his t-shirt, we pulled away to breathe for a moment but his lips found mine again. For a sweeter more loving kiss. By the time we were done my hair was a mess, both of our lips were swollen, and we both were breathing heavily. We both smiled at each other. We both knew there were more things we had to discuss but those could wait until tomorrow.

**Just a quick notice they are not completed with their conversation, and not just back together yet and also have some unresolved problems not just with their relationship so don't think the story is ending just yet, somethings still need to happen. This is only the beginning for solving the problems. After all they still need to head back to court. so some problems await them. Once again sorry about the late update i will try to do better.**


	10. Chapter 11: Love fades, Mine has Part 1

**Oh my goodness. I actually updated after like a year. Opps. Well I know most of you have given up on this story but hey! I am giving you guys a bit of the next chapter because its really late here and I want to sleep. THIS IS INCOMPLETE! I thought I would get that out there so no one complains about it being cut off. Its suppose to be that way. But anyway. Yeah.. this past year has been really stressful and writing did not fit in to its schedule. So whatever. But this year it does! Hopefully... Anyway I want to thank those who reviewed my story and those who Favorited it and stuff! But umm yeah. So here is my update that is almost a year late. Woohoo! By the way I don't own the characters or the rights to Vampire Academy. OMG THAT REMINDS ME! VAMPIRE ACADEMY IS BECOMING A FLIPPING MOVIE! *excitement* I can't wait! Anyway here is the chapter that isn't finished.**

**DPOV**

I spent hours remembering, I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried. My mind was in overdrive, it was out of my control. So many memories rushed into me. The most painful one was the first one to comeback.

_I was sitting in the church pews in the back. No one dared to share the row with me. I could hear the priest had already started speaking. But I wasn't really listening, I was more here for show but also to feel the calming effects the church gave off. When Rose, my beautiful Rose, sat next to me I was somewhat surprised but I guess I should have suspected it. _

"_Don't," I said in a hushed tone to her. "Don't start-not in here" I have sinned greatly, I did not need to add another one to the list. I decided to listen to the priest talking about sin. I could feel people thinking about how I have sinned. _

"_Wouldn't dream of it, comrade," she murmured back to me "Just came for the good of my soul, that's all" _

_I seriously doubted that was why she was here. After her past attempts to see me I knew it was the reason but I didn't respond. But I was tense but after a few moments I relaxed some more, I focused back on the priest, I used to go back to the chapel at the school to seek forgiveness for my sins but now it was all the more important. I needed someone to forgive me for the harm I have brought the world. Throughout the service I replayed the memories of my days as a stigori in my mind over and over. I could only dream of being forgiven for the lives I had taken and the families I ruined. But I knew forgiveness was not something I deserved. I felt hopeless in this world. But even through all of this I could still feel Roses stares on me. When communion started she finally spoke again. _

"_Don't you think that is God can supposedly forgive you, it's kind of egotistical for you not to forgive yourself?"_

"_How long have you been waiting to use that line on me?" I asked._

"_Actually, it just came to me. Pretty good, huh? I bet you thought I wasn't paying attention." She wasn't, we both knew that. _

"_You weren't. You never do. You were watching me." _

_It's difficult to focus sometimes with the girl you love sitting next to you. Its even harder knowing you almost made her into a stigori. _

"_You didn't answer my question." I couldn't bring myself to look at her._

"_It's irrelevant. I don't have to forgive myself even if God does. And I'm not sure He would." Who could forgive me? After all the things I have done._

_ "That priest just said God would. He said God forgives everything. Are you calling the priest a liar? That's pretty sacrilegious" I groaned. She had to go and be brash. I wore an expression I haven't had in a while. It felt strange. _

_ "Rose, you're the one being sacrilegious. You're twisting these people's faith for your own purposes. You've never believed any of this. You still don't." We both knew that well enough._

"_I believe the dead can come back to life," she turned serious while speaking. "The proof Is sitting right next to me. If that's true, then I think you forgiving yourself isn't that much more of a leap." I did not want to have this conversation. All I wanted was for the communion to speed up. Because I couldn't leave before or people will never believe that I am no longer stigori._

_ "You don't know what you're talking about." I said._

_ "Don't I?" She leaned in closer. I knew it was to prove her point but it did give me a closer look at her. But I couldn't think like that anymore. She deserves so much more than me._

_ "I know exactly what I'm talking about, I know that you've been through a lot. I know that you did terrible things- I saw them. But it's in the past. It's beyond your control. It's not like you're going to do them again" I wanted to believe her but I couldn't. I know what I did. I know how I felt doing them. I know this isn't in the past. _

_ "How do you know? Maybe the monster didn't leave. Maybe there's still something stigori lurking in me." It's possible it's not all gone._

_ "Then you need to defeat it by moving on with your life! And not just through your chivalrous pledge to protect Lissa. You need to live again. You need to open yourself up to people who love you. No stigori would do that. That's how you'll save yourself." She doesn't get it. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve to be saved. Not after what I've done._

_ "I can't have people loving me" I growled. "I'm incapable of loving anyone in return."_

_"Maybe you should try instead of feeling sorry for yourself!"_

_"It's not that easy" I can't just forgive everything I did. I can't just forget that._

**Sorry to leave you hanging but the rest will be up at some point. But I make no promises that it will be this week. It could take a month. Okay so it probably won't but you never know.**


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